Save Before Its Too Late

I wish I was too strong to hide the pain and too brave to don’t give a single fuck about everyone.

But, I’m too scared to go back to the same hell I’ve once been — there was too much solitude out there, on the edge of the earth, it was a perfect place far away from people, and the sun rises and sets there as well, but it was a hellish place for me.

I had no one to talk to and shoulders I could cry on, but when I was there, those things weren’t really necessary — you could be alone there forever, where sadness lasts eternal and pain never fades, it was a hell, a place for the unknown, for people who want to be alone, for people who no longer want to be around with their source of pain.

But trust me, it felt good there.

A hell out there was once a place of solace for me, and I wonder, should I go back and leave all these things behind again? Or stay just to suffer forever? I don’t know.

© Photo | Esthaem |

Be Strong Always

There will be days when you need to force a slight smile just to lighten your mood. There will be many days when you shake the idea out of your head and tell yourself, “You’re over thinking. Everything will be alright.” There will be so many days when you let out air to breathe and tell yourself, “Relax. Keep the faith”. There will be many days when you only need yourself to keep going. There will be many days you are stronger than you feel you are. And when the storm had passed, you will remember those many days and you will be so proud of yourself.

Loving Someone

“Loving someone means carrying one’s burden. It is shaped between purpose and responsibility, to act and respond genuinely.

It means, having the need to reassure your love ones about everything.

It means, having the need to take courage and accept all the flaws she might show you when things flow as smooth as it is.

It means, having the courage to correct, not to tolerate, and to be corrected because relationship requires intimacy that is deep than anything.

It means, having the need to talk about her to anyone.

It means, having the need to make and drink coffee with her.

It means, having the need to share sadness with her.

It means, having the need to be strong, to be the one she has to look up to, to be the only one she could cry on, to be the only she could tell her stories or what are the crazy things she did.

Loving means taking one’s burden, shaped between purpose and responsibility, wholeheartedly.

Because loving is about sharing yourself to one you care about.”

Merry Christmas

“Everyone’s laughing, exchanging gifts and kisses, eating their goods without care of the world — and here I am, in my room, all I ever received is headache, heart burn and rotten eyes.

I get used to it, and I like they way I am, that I never have to run away to distant further. I’m in my comfort place, kissing every piece of my cigarettes, making love with my beer, and talking to my cats like a bullshit — without care of the world.

I’m just living in my own way; no one offers me a drink, or asking me for a gift, all I have is myself. I often live with myself, been alone for years.

“Merry christmas” I told myself, another year have passed, and I’m prepared to destroy myself more, until I have nothing left.”

Dealing with Anxiety

Gone are the days when waking up is what excites me with each morning that comes. When the sun does not matter at all and the night is not all about worries, monsters and demons, but bedtime stories, rest and peace.
Life used to be happy until I met anxiety. I don’t know what triggered it into me or did I invite it willingly?
I’ve been long walking uncertain. Waking up feels like having a boulder laying on my chest. The days feel like nights with worries, monsters and demons, and the nights are days that keep me awake. I don’t know where am I heading, neither am I walking the right direction, nor where am I really.
I’m lost and scared and worried and I never thought I’d gone this worst.
I have been hesitantly moving and most of the times, I am stagnant.
That’s the worst part about anxiety when it creeps me up. It seems like I’m standing in the midst of the world of everyone walking one direction and there I am watching them move through their lives while I can’t figure out how to lift or make may left foot move at all and start walking.
But most of the times, there isn’t anything really really bad in my world at the moment. Everything could look perfect and put together but for whatever reason, whatever triggered that anxiousness all of a sudden, normal things feel like end of the world things.
I tried to stepped backwards instead to start it all over and know where it all gone wrong. I tried. But I can never come back. I find not even a trace to fix it all.
But honestly, when I don’t have to deal with anxiety, I wonder if it’s really a part of me. Because when the anxiety passes, I can see the life with eyes that aren’t distorted and I see the truth.
There are still people that stuck around with me all these years. I still laugh and I love life.
So, thankyou

–for loving all of me, anxiety included.

I Just Keep Going

The comfort room knows my secrets. The comfort room hears my silent pleadings. The comfort room sees me cry. The comfort room knows me more than anyone do. The comfort room knows me weak. The comfort room knows how many times I have been strong stepping out as a different person when all I have been in the comfort room is me,

– a tired being that keeps going.

God’s Plan is Better than Ours

I wonder what God is up to. I wonder as to what he is preparing me for. I’ve been getting things the hard way while I see everyone being granted of everything hassle free. I’ve been pushed to the edge but I think I’m ready for more battles to come.

Every tear I cried out of disappointments, every obstacles I conquered, and every setback I endured are working to shape and make me better –like how a gold is made to its finest form.

I live with the hope for the day to come that things will perfectly work for me – when I get to be where I am meant to be.

I believe that He is doing a great work behind the scenes. He is preparing me for greater things.

And after all, the hardships and the struggles might have been meant to be a great story to be told.

Being Positive

I used to get messed up when the paths go curving, when roads get rough and when the ride gets bumpy. But as time goes by, I get used to the fact that along the journey, there would be uneasy moments. I could not do anything about it but rather prepare myself for it. I get used to hundreds of those along the way until it doesn’t bother me anymore. There will be difficult roads but there would be straight paths and smooth rides. The assurance is, we’ll get where we are meant to be.

I Pushed People Away

Yes, I am guilty of pushing people out of my life. It’s not that I want it nor like it. And I”m not an introvert if that’s what you’re thinking. It’s just that, it’s my own selfish way of protecting myself.

Why? For once, like the most of us, I too had fallen too deeply in love. I’ve fallen for someone whom I thought was that magical thing they called “The One”. And then it really wasn’t what I was hoping for, planning for, looking forward for, and praying for.

Then of course I asked God “Why do everyone leave me?”. And so I decided to push people away.

It was painful, you know, the trusting part. The one where you have to explain yourself to everyone why you ended up like the fucked-up you are. And you go over and over again everytime you kind of meet someone. Explaining all the bullshits you’ve been through will remind you how stupid you were, how hard it was, and how strong you have become. So i just decided to push people away, skip all the dramas, for they’ll leave once they totally know me anyway.

I’ve become someone I thought I’d never become- A stronger person, a much more desirable one, and an untrusting-itroverted-egoistic-selfserving maniac. But I don’t want it, really. I don’t want to be strong…… Then it hits me, “What choice do I have?”.

Life was simple and uncomplicated. I was happier than before, before love, before the

I hope that I meet the one that God has planned for me, he definitely will have a hard time earning my trust. But who knows, God will make a way.

-From some woman who don’t do trust.